Major Meltdowns

In my blog yesterday I gave you an idea of the risk factors I believed are responsible for my current situation. The consequences of losses is grief. If we fail to recognise the impact of our losses on our physical and emotional state then the results will included serious emotional meltdowns to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc. It is not just celebrities that experience emotional meltdowns. I have had several emotional meltdowns. Today I would like to share with you some my major emotional meltdowns.

However before I proceed I would like to say that my Jamaican culture played a devastating role on how I was handling my distress and grief before now. The average Jamaican male is considered "tough and rough". In the Jamaican culture men who cry are considered soft, insecure, wimps, cry babies, sissies, bitches, other degrading words are used, and the list goes on. Men who cry or show emotions publicly are seen as losers.

The perceptions we have of men who cry or show emotions publicly are often times culturally driven. Most cultures do not agree or will not accept men crying or men showing emotions. We can readily accept women showing emotive language because to some, women are weak, lower than men and are born expressive beings. I cry very easily. I know that if my Jamaican brothers and sisters caught me crying it is highly likely they would consider me mama's boy. Contrary to the Jamaican culture I think even though I show my emotions I am actually a very strong man. Crying is something I got from my dear mother and grandmother. I cry when I sad or hurt. I am gentle and compassionate. I know that there is no benefit to store up all my emotions inside and never have the boldness to express it. I believe that societies that degrade men who cry and show emotions stifle their emotional and psychological development.

The media also plays a big role in spreading the view that men should not show their emotions. Just this morning on my favourite radio show JJ and Melanie in the Morning on Flow 93.5FM in Toronto this view was being publicized.

When I speak of emotional meltdowns I am not talk about excessive crying. During my emotional meltdown what I experience is raw unadulterated rage and anger and excessive swearing using Jamaican expletives. On my first vist with my counsellor I asked her why was it at this stage in my life I was growing impatient and increasing intollerant and easily angered? This my dark side and if I am going to grow I have to speak about it. My purpose is to acknowledge the problem, address it, apologies if necessary and advance and grow as an individual.

The following are some my examples:
In fall of 2008, my wife were in the middle of heated argument relating to my ailing mother when the telephone rang. At the time my wife was three months pregnant with our little princess. My wife answered the phone and started speaking with her mother calling from Jamaica. Without even thinking I pounced like a raging bull and grabbed the portable reciever from my wife's hand. From a distance of about feet while still very angry I tossed the phone back to my wife. I believe my wife was frightened and she called 911 and in no time two Peel Region police cars were parked in my front yard with flashing lights. My wife invited the two officers in and the officers asked me to leave the house. For the first time in my life I had an encounter with law enforcement. I spent the rest of the night at wife's aunt house in Oakville.

In the spring of 2009 I recalled me being so angry one day I punched and kicked the doors and walls in my basement breaking the doors and damaging the dry wall.

One night in the winter of 2009 I got so angry I took up one foot of my worn out Payless sneakers advancing towards my wife while swearing. My 16 year old daughter and my mother in law were so frigthened they started crying instantly. When I checked myself I was trembling and a total wreck!

A few nights ago I got in such a fit worst than a two year old shorting temper tandrum. I was on my back kicking, screaming and swearing. When I regain consciousness I told myself I would either get professional help or walk out on my wife and children. Out of my love, respect and honour for my wife and children on Monday I commenced professional counseling.

Today I shared my dark side with you. The monumental challenge I face today break the ordinary man but I strife to be extraordinary. Just as Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette can overcome the death of my mother and win a broze medal at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics so too will I rise up again.

Tomorrow I will tell how I made over $500K and still penniless.

Grief

Today my goal is to blog about my grief. Grief I understand is a healthy human response to situations such as:
- death of a family member or friend
- separation or divorce
- miscarriage
- injury or disability
- loss of a job, property, a pet
- children leaving home
- moving to a new place
- disappointment in a child
- giving up a dream

Looking back as far as the end of summer 2007 I can clearly identify the following situations as my tipping points:
- seeing the frail and deteriorating state of my ailing mother during her visit to Canada in 2007
- my mother's death in 2009
- the severe impact on consulting practice and financial losses incurred due to the global recession
- garnishing of my personal and business account by Canada Revenue Agency in the fall of 2009
- sale of my house and maving to a new place,
- possible giving up my career goals and dreams.

The greatest pain I feel is from the death of my mother on February 18, 2009. On Sunday March 7, 2010 it will one year since her Service of Resurrection. One day I will blog about the relationship I shared with my and my love for her. Since her passing I have gone through many stages.

Numbness. Shock, disbelief. Searching and yearning asking myself why did God take her away soon. Why am I am facing today such monumental challenges in my life without my dear mother? I feel irritable, tense, tearful. I plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.' So much so that today I am member of Harvest Family Church Volunteer at Leisureworld Caregiving Centre – Mississauga.

At times I am disorganized and experience a sense of despair and loneliness. Dejection sets in. There is the mixed emotions of anger and guilt. The future is uninteresting. My purpose in life is no longer useful or relevant. At other times I feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. Sometimes I worry that I am are losing touch with reality.

In the past year I have told my friends Greg M., Warren A. and Owen H. and my Aunt Ger that I feel a part of me died with my mother. Their advice to me is that my dear mother would have wanted me to continue living and pursuing my dreams. I sincerely believe them and as result I have decided to get professional counseling. The reality I face is that my situation is compounded by other major losses which I shall blog about in the coming days.

It is the exhausting process of grief that has robbed me of my physical and emotional energy, and which today threatens to undermine my marriage and family. However, I am determined and resolute not to be defeated. When I commenced my first counseling session on Monday it was my first step in acknowledging that I have a major problem and I am in serious trouble. It was my cry for help and saying I want me back and I am determined start the journey to taking back me. A key priority for me is to reorganize myself and re-establish my purpose and goals. I am using this blog as tool to inspire myself. My goal is write a blog each day. Each and everyone us needs a cheerleader. When you are up I am the one to cheer for you. When you are down, I am there to encourage you to pick yourself up. Today I need you on my team and I have appointed you as my cheerleaders. Tomorrow I will tell you in my blog about some of my major meltdowns similar to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc.

There Can Be No Winners

The family of the two brothers charged in the stabbing incident on June 17th at St. Joseph Catholic Secondary School in Mississauga is delighted that the boys were granted bail today. Violence in our schools hurts not just the perpetrators and victims but the entire school body, the community, families and friends. In these situations there can be no winners. As a society we must categorically denounced violence in schools across the Greater Toronto Area.


Since the incident at the school I have had the opportunity to spend a significant amount of time with the parents of the two brothers. During this time I have seen their emotional turmoil. I have seen their tears as they struggle internally, both individually and collectively, searching for answers, understanding and compassion.


The boys' parents are people whom I admire and respect. I think they are best neighbours in the world. Both are hard working. Both want nothing but the best for thier children. Both gentle and kind. They are quick to shovel the snow from my driveway in the winter. In 2007, I was honoured when the mother of two brothers lend a helping hand to care for my ailing mother.


Today in court I had the opportunity of meeting the parents of two of the boys hurt during the incident at the school. I also observed their emotional turmoil. Unequivocally, violence in our schools rips us apart individually and collectively as community. The pshyscological, emotional and physical scars are deep and enormously painful. Today when I held the parents of two of the boys injured in the incident I felt every ounce of their pain.


I am absolutely confident that this not an experience I would want for myself or my wife. No parent, family, friend or community should have to endure pain caused by violence in our schools. It is abundantly clear in my mind that there can be no winners when violence enters the schools in our communities. It is for this reason that we have to be resolute in our campaign to stem the tide of teen violence that has entered schools across the Greater Toronto Area.