Today my goal is to blog about my grief. Grief I understand is a healthy human response to situations such as:
- death of a family member or friend
- separation or divorce
- miscarriage
- injury or disability
- loss of a job, property, a pet
- children leaving home
- moving to a new place
- disappointment in a child
- giving up a dream
Looking back as far as the end of summer 2007 I can clearly identify the following situations as my tipping points:
- seeing the frail and deteriorating state of my ailing mother during her visit to Canada in 2007
- my mother's death in 2009
- the severe impact on consulting practice and financial losses incurred due to the global recession
- garnishing of my personal and business account by Canada Revenue Agency in the fall of 2009
- sale of my house and maving to a new place,
- possible giving up my career goals and dreams.
The greatest pain I feel is from the death of my mother on February 18, 2009. On Sunday March 7, 2010 it will one year since her Service of Resurrection. One day I will blog about the relationship I shared with my and my love for her. Since her passing I have gone through many stages.
Numbness. Shock, disbelief. Searching and yearning asking myself why did God take her away soon. Why am I am facing today such monumental challenges in my life without my dear mother? I feel irritable, tense, tearful. I plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.' So much so that today I am member of Harvest Family Church Volunteer at Leisureworld Caregiving Centre – Mississauga.
At times I am disorganized and experience a sense of despair and loneliness. Dejection sets in. There is the mixed emotions of anger and guilt. The future is uninteresting. My purpose in life is no longer useful or relevant. At other times I feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. Sometimes I worry that I am are losing touch with reality.
In the past year I have told my friends Greg M., Warren A. and Owen H. and my Aunt Ger that I feel a part of me died with my mother. Their advice to me is that my dear mother would have wanted me to continue living and pursuing my dreams. I sincerely believe them and as result I have decided to get professional counseling. The reality I face is that my situation is compounded by other major losses which I shall blog about in the coming days.
It is the exhausting process of grief that has robbed me of my physical and emotional energy, and which today threatens to undermine my marriage and family. However, I am determined and resolute not to be defeated. When I commenced my first counseling session on Monday it was my first step in acknowledging that I have a major problem and I am in serious trouble. It was my cry for help and saying I want me back and I am determined start the journey to taking back me. A key priority for me is to reorganize myself and re-establish my purpose and goals. I am using this blog as tool to inspire myself. My goal is write a blog each day. Each and everyone us needs a cheerleader. When you are up I am the one to cheer for you. When you are down, I am there to encourage you to pick yourself up. Today I need you on my team and I have appointed you as my cheerleaders. Tomorrow I will tell you in my blog about some of my major meltdowns similar to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
To Win You Have To Start
By Mark McKenzie
May 27, 2009
To win you have to start. In the 1970s I spent some of my formative years growing up in Franklyn Town, an inner city community in east Kingston, Jamaica. In those days, I lived in a tenement yard at number 16 Lincoln Crescent with my aunt, her common law husband, my cousin and about ten other families. It was not unusual for rival gang members in the community to engage in bloody feuds sometimes trading bullets through the tenement yard where I lived. Life was tough but I never knew it then. It was not uncommon to see sewage water running outside the kitchen window. Most times my aunt had to shout through the kitchen or bathroom window to beg our neighbours to turn off their pipes so that I could get enough water to have a bath before going to school at Franklyn Town Primary.
Despite the shanty conditions that existed during my boyhood days, I had big dreams and a fierce determination to climb from poverty. A journey which at times insurmountable or impossible in reality. However, journey over which endurance has triumph. Since mid-2006 I have travelled the entire world for my own consulting business, Mark McKenzie Consulting, working for governments, international agencies and regulatory agencies in the Caribbean, Africa and Asia. The experience I have had is beyond my wildest dreams as boy growing up in one of Jamaica’s most notorious inner city. Looking back one of the fundamental lessons I have learnt is that to win you have to start with your dreams. As Eleanor Rosevelt once said “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
Let us take American sprinter Tyson Gay for example at the Beijing 2008 Olympics his dream was to win medals in the men’s 100M and 200M. However, due to injury he came away with a single medal. Tyson Gay is an outstanding and very talented athlete but for all his achievement in track and field he never started in the either men’s 100M or 200M and therefore had absolutely no chance of winning. Let us take Rocco Mediate who prior to 2008 U.S. Open most avid golfer knew very little about him. He was defeated by Tiger Woods in a one-hole, sudden-death playoff after the two ended an 18-hole playoff at par 71, before making a killing bogey. Rocco Mediate was not daunted by his ranking when started the U.S. Open. His remarkable performance including going the distance against golf's heavyweight champion allowed him to jump 111 spots on the Official World Golf Ranking from No. 158 before the U.S. Open to No. 47 in June 2008.
A few years ago I built up the courage put to together a team of international consultants in a consortium and tendered a bid for contract in Africa worth approximately a half of million United States Dollars. The thought of bidding on a contract that valued more than my parents earned throughout their entire lives was not even a dream for me. We knew that if we were going to be successful in winning the contract we had to defeat the main competitor, a leading consulting firm in Toronto, Canada. In the end my consortium lost the bid on the technical proposal by three (3) points to the firm in Toronto. However, in the process I gained the respect of our main competitor and I was invited by the firm to be a partner on the project in Africa. As Walt Disney said “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”
My dream changes overtime. I set my goals and each time I achieve my goals I have new dreams and set new goals. I guess I am like my fourteen year old son. In 2006, he sold four used mobile phones on Ebay and made $400. I was proud of him. He was very excited. One day he told me that he never realised it was so easy to make $400 and the next time he would like to try making a $1000. This is a good example of small dreams turning into big dreams!
Life for me in Franklyn Town was tough but I had big dreams and a fierce determination that I could walk on water or climb to the moon to succeed. A dream so big it has taken me from a shanty inner city community in Jamaica across the entire Caribbean, parts of Africa, parts of Asia and parts of North America. Along the journey I have developed the courage to start and the wisdom to learn that if I want to win or succeed or accomplish my goals I had to start by turning my dreams into reality. To win you have to start. You must have big dreams. You must have the courage to turn your dreams into reality. Start today!
May 27, 2009
To win you have to start. In the 1970s I spent some of my formative years growing up in Franklyn Town, an inner city community in east Kingston, Jamaica. In those days, I lived in a tenement yard at number 16 Lincoln Crescent with my aunt, her common law husband, my cousin and about ten other families. It was not unusual for rival gang members in the community to engage in bloody feuds sometimes trading bullets through the tenement yard where I lived. Life was tough but I never knew it then. It was not uncommon to see sewage water running outside the kitchen window. Most times my aunt had to shout through the kitchen or bathroom window to beg our neighbours to turn off their pipes so that I could get enough water to have a bath before going to school at Franklyn Town Primary.
Despite the shanty conditions that existed during my boyhood days, I had big dreams and a fierce determination to climb from poverty. A journey which at times insurmountable or impossible in reality. However, journey over which endurance has triumph. Since mid-2006 I have travelled the entire world for my own consulting business, Mark McKenzie Consulting, working for governments, international agencies and regulatory agencies in the Caribbean, Africa and Asia. The experience I have had is beyond my wildest dreams as boy growing up in one of Jamaica’s most notorious inner city. Looking back one of the fundamental lessons I have learnt is that to win you have to start with your dreams. As Eleanor Rosevelt once said “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
Let us take American sprinter Tyson Gay for example at the Beijing 2008 Olympics his dream was to win medals in the men’s 100M and 200M. However, due to injury he came away with a single medal. Tyson Gay is an outstanding and very talented athlete but for all his achievement in track and field he never started in the either men’s 100M or 200M and therefore had absolutely no chance of winning. Let us take Rocco Mediate who prior to 2008 U.S. Open most avid golfer knew very little about him. He was defeated by Tiger Woods in a one-hole, sudden-death playoff after the two ended an 18-hole playoff at par 71, before making a killing bogey. Rocco Mediate was not daunted by his ranking when started the U.S. Open. His remarkable performance including going the distance against golf's heavyweight champion allowed him to jump 111 spots on the Official World Golf Ranking from No. 158 before the U.S. Open to No. 47 in June 2008.
A few years ago I built up the courage put to together a team of international consultants in a consortium and tendered a bid for contract in Africa worth approximately a half of million United States Dollars. The thought of bidding on a contract that valued more than my parents earned throughout their entire lives was not even a dream for me. We knew that if we were going to be successful in winning the contract we had to defeat the main competitor, a leading consulting firm in Toronto, Canada. In the end my consortium lost the bid on the technical proposal by three (3) points to the firm in Toronto. However, in the process I gained the respect of our main competitor and I was invited by the firm to be a partner on the project in Africa. As Walt Disney said “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”
My dream changes overtime. I set my goals and each time I achieve my goals I have new dreams and set new goals. I guess I am like my fourteen year old son. In 2006, he sold four used mobile phones on Ebay and made $400. I was proud of him. He was very excited. One day he told me that he never realised it was so easy to make $400 and the next time he would like to try making a $1000. This is a good example of small dreams turning into big dreams!
Life for me in Franklyn Town was tough but I had big dreams and a fierce determination that I could walk on water or climb to the moon to succeed. A dream so big it has taken me from a shanty inner city community in Jamaica across the entire Caribbean, parts of Africa, parts of Asia and parts of North America. Along the journey I have developed the courage to start and the wisdom to learn that if I want to win or succeed or accomplish my goals I had to start by turning my dreams into reality. To win you have to start. You must have big dreams. You must have the courage to turn your dreams into reality. Start today!
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