Grief

Today my goal is to blog about my grief. Grief I understand is a healthy human response to situations such as:
- death of a family member or friend
- separation or divorce
- miscarriage
- injury or disability
- loss of a job, property, a pet
- children leaving home
- moving to a new place
- disappointment in a child
- giving up a dream

Looking back as far as the end of summer 2007 I can clearly identify the following situations as my tipping points:
- seeing the frail and deteriorating state of my ailing mother during her visit to Canada in 2007
- my mother's death in 2009
- the severe impact on consulting practice and financial losses incurred due to the global recession
- garnishing of my personal and business account by Canada Revenue Agency in the fall of 2009
- sale of my house and maving to a new place,
- possible giving up my career goals and dreams.

The greatest pain I feel is from the death of my mother on February 18, 2009. On Sunday March 7, 2010 it will one year since her Service of Resurrection. One day I will blog about the relationship I shared with my and my love for her. Since her passing I have gone through many stages.

Numbness. Shock, disbelief. Searching and yearning asking myself why did God take her away soon. Why am I am facing today such monumental challenges in my life without my dear mother? I feel irritable, tense, tearful. I plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.' So much so that today I am member of Harvest Family Church Volunteer at Leisureworld Caregiving Centre – Mississauga.

At times I am disorganized and experience a sense of despair and loneliness. Dejection sets in. There is the mixed emotions of anger and guilt. The future is uninteresting. My purpose in life is no longer useful or relevant. At other times I feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. Sometimes I worry that I am are losing touch with reality.

In the past year I have told my friends Greg M., Warren A. and Owen H. and my Aunt Ger that I feel a part of me died with my mother. Their advice to me is that my dear mother would have wanted me to continue living and pursuing my dreams. I sincerely believe them and as result I have decided to get professional counseling. The reality I face is that my situation is compounded by other major losses which I shall blog about in the coming days.

It is the exhausting process of grief that has robbed me of my physical and emotional energy, and which today threatens to undermine my marriage and family. However, I am determined and resolute not to be defeated. When I commenced my first counseling session on Monday it was my first step in acknowledging that I have a major problem and I am in serious trouble. It was my cry for help and saying I want me back and I am determined start the journey to taking back me. A key priority for me is to reorganize myself and re-establish my purpose and goals. I am using this blog as tool to inspire myself. My goal is write a blog each day. Each and everyone us needs a cheerleader. When you are up I am the one to cheer for you. When you are down, I am there to encourage you to pick yourself up. Today I need you on my team and I have appointed you as my cheerleaders. Tomorrow I will tell you in my blog about some of my major meltdowns similar to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc.