Major Meltdowns

In my blog yesterday I gave you an idea of the risk factors I believed are responsible for my current situation. The consequences of losses is grief. If we fail to recognise the impact of our losses on our physical and emotional state then the results will included serious emotional meltdowns to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc. It is not just celebrities that experience emotional meltdowns. I have had several emotional meltdowns. Today I would like to share with you some my major emotional meltdowns.

However before I proceed I would like to say that my Jamaican culture played a devastating role on how I was handling my distress and grief before now. The average Jamaican male is considered "tough and rough". In the Jamaican culture men who cry are considered soft, insecure, wimps, cry babies, sissies, bitches, other degrading words are used, and the list goes on. Men who cry or show emotions publicly are seen as losers.

The perceptions we have of men who cry or show emotions publicly are often times culturally driven. Most cultures do not agree or will not accept men crying or men showing emotions. We can readily accept women showing emotive language because to some, women are weak, lower than men and are born expressive beings. I cry very easily. I know that if my Jamaican brothers and sisters caught me crying it is highly likely they would consider me mama's boy. Contrary to the Jamaican culture I think even though I show my emotions I am actually a very strong man. Crying is something I got from my dear mother and grandmother. I cry when I sad or hurt. I am gentle and compassionate. I know that there is no benefit to store up all my emotions inside and never have the boldness to express it. I believe that societies that degrade men who cry and show emotions stifle their emotional and psychological development.

The media also plays a big role in spreading the view that men should not show their emotions. Just this morning on my favourite radio show JJ and Melanie in the Morning on Flow 93.5FM in Toronto this view was being publicized.

When I speak of emotional meltdowns I am not talk about excessive crying. During my emotional meltdown what I experience is raw unadulterated rage and anger and excessive swearing using Jamaican expletives. On my first vist with my counsellor I asked her why was it at this stage in my life I was growing impatient and increasing intollerant and easily angered? This my dark side and if I am going to grow I have to speak about it. My purpose is to acknowledge the problem, address it, apologies if necessary and advance and grow as an individual.

The following are some my examples:
In fall of 2008, my wife were in the middle of heated argument relating to my ailing mother when the telephone rang. At the time my wife was three months pregnant with our little princess. My wife answered the phone and started speaking with her mother calling from Jamaica. Without even thinking I pounced like a raging bull and grabbed the portable reciever from my wife's hand. From a distance of about feet while still very angry I tossed the phone back to my wife. I believe my wife was frightened and she called 911 and in no time two Peel Region police cars were parked in my front yard with flashing lights. My wife invited the two officers in and the officers asked me to leave the house. For the first time in my life I had an encounter with law enforcement. I spent the rest of the night at wife's aunt house in Oakville.

In the spring of 2009 I recalled me being so angry one day I punched and kicked the doors and walls in my basement breaking the doors and damaging the dry wall.

One night in the winter of 2009 I got so angry I took up one foot of my worn out Payless sneakers advancing towards my wife while swearing. My 16 year old daughter and my mother in law were so frigthened they started crying instantly. When I checked myself I was trembling and a total wreck!

A few nights ago I got in such a fit worst than a two year old shorting temper tandrum. I was on my back kicking, screaming and swearing. When I regain consciousness I told myself I would either get professional help or walk out on my wife and children. Out of my love, respect and honour for my wife and children on Monday I commenced professional counseling.

Today I shared my dark side with you. The monumental challenge I face today break the ordinary man but I strife to be extraordinary. Just as Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette can overcome the death of my mother and win a broze medal at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics so too will I rise up again.

Tomorrow I will tell how I made over $500K and still penniless.