Challenges are what make life interesting, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. In my last blog I promised to write about how I made over $500K and I am penniless. However I have decided blog about how I am now trying to cope with my loss and overcoming my challenges.
For me the single most important factor in healing from my losses and overcoming the challenges I face today is having the support of my friends and family. To be totally honest under normal circumstances I would be uncomfortable talking about my some my deepest feelings. However, I recognize the importance of expressing my grief to friends and family. I find that sharing my feeling makes the burden of grief easier to carry and help me restore a sense of hope and purpose. I have learnt that wherever the support comes from, I should accept it and I should not grieve alone. I know that by connecting to others it will help me heal.
For support I lean on the people who care about me, even though I take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Speak with my brother Peter and my friends Owen H., Greg M. and Garfield M. helps to inspire and motivate me. However, given my current experience it is sometime difficult not to push loved ones away and avoid them because I feel angry. Sometimes I refused to accept the assistance my friends and family offered because I am ashame. Gradually I now realize that when faced with serious losses or a challenges, people want to help but they don’t know how. So now I tell them what I need. For example within the next two weeks I will need help to move to a rented house so I have asked a family member for help.
I also draw comfort from my faith. I find solace in prayer so I pray.
Since last week I have being blogging which is also now helping me in that it gives me something to look forward to.
One of my goals is to get back into motivational and inspirational public speaking within the next couple of weeks. I also would like to create a support group for people who has had similar experiences like mine.
And as you all know by now I had my first counseling session last week. If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.
Challenges are what make life interesting, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. I am working towards overcoming my challenges and so should you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Major Meltdowns
In my blog yesterday I gave you an idea of the risk factors I believed are responsible for my current situation. The consequences of losses is grief. If we fail to recognise the impact of our losses on our physical and emotional state then the results will included serious emotional meltdowns to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc. It is not just celebrities that experience emotional meltdowns. I have had several emotional meltdowns. Today I would like to share with you some my major emotional meltdowns.
However before I proceed I would like to say that my Jamaican culture played a devastating role on how I was handling my distress and grief before now. The average Jamaican male is considered "tough and rough". In the Jamaican culture men who cry are considered soft, insecure, wimps, cry babies, sissies, bitches, other degrading words are used, and the list goes on. Men who cry or show emotions publicly are seen as losers.
The perceptions we have of men who cry or show emotions publicly are often times culturally driven. Most cultures do not agree or will not accept men crying or men showing emotions. We can readily accept women showing emotive language because to some, women are weak, lower than men and are born expressive beings. I cry very easily. I know that if my Jamaican brothers and sisters caught me crying it is highly likely they would consider me mama's boy. Contrary to the Jamaican culture I think even though I show my emotions I am actually a very strong man. Crying is something I got from my dear mother and grandmother. I cry when I sad or hurt. I am gentle and compassionate. I know that there is no benefit to store up all my emotions inside and never have the boldness to express it. I believe that societies that degrade men who cry and show emotions stifle their emotional and psychological development.
The media also plays a big role in spreading the view that men should not show their emotions. Just this morning on my favourite radio show JJ and Melanie in the Morning on Flow 93.5FM in Toronto this view was being publicized.
When I speak of emotional meltdowns I am not talk about excessive crying. During my emotional meltdown what I experience is raw unadulterated rage and anger and excessive swearing using Jamaican expletives. On my first vist with my counsellor I asked her why was it at this stage in my life I was growing impatient and increasing intollerant and easily angered? This my dark side and if I am going to grow I have to speak about it. My purpose is to acknowledge the problem, address it, apologies if necessary and advance and grow as an individual.
The following are some my examples:
In fall of 2008, my wife were in the middle of heated argument relating to my ailing mother when the telephone rang. At the time my wife was three months pregnant with our little princess. My wife answered the phone and started speaking with her mother calling from Jamaica. Without even thinking I pounced like a raging bull and grabbed the portable reciever from my wife's hand. From a distance of about feet while still very angry I tossed the phone back to my wife. I believe my wife was frightened and she called 911 and in no time two Peel Region police cars were parked in my front yard with flashing lights. My wife invited the two officers in and the officers asked me to leave the house. For the first time in my life I had an encounter with law enforcement. I spent the rest of the night at wife's aunt house in Oakville.
In the spring of 2009 I recalled me being so angry one day I punched and kicked the doors and walls in my basement breaking the doors and damaging the dry wall.
One night in the winter of 2009 I got so angry I took up one foot of my worn out Payless sneakers advancing towards my wife while swearing. My 16 year old daughter and my mother in law were so frigthened they started crying instantly. When I checked myself I was trembling and a total wreck!
A few nights ago I got in such a fit worst than a two year old shorting temper tandrum. I was on my back kicking, screaming and swearing. When I regain consciousness I told myself I would either get professional help or walk out on my wife and children. Out of my love, respect and honour for my wife and children on Monday I commenced professional counseling.
Today I shared my dark side with you. The monumental challenge I face today break the ordinary man but I strife to be extraordinary. Just as Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette can overcome the death of my mother and win a broze medal at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics so too will I rise up again.
Tomorrow I will tell how I made over $500K and still penniless.
However before I proceed I would like to say that my Jamaican culture played a devastating role on how I was handling my distress and grief before now. The average Jamaican male is considered "tough and rough". In the Jamaican culture men who cry are considered soft, insecure, wimps, cry babies, sissies, bitches, other degrading words are used, and the list goes on. Men who cry or show emotions publicly are seen as losers.
The perceptions we have of men who cry or show emotions publicly are often times culturally driven. Most cultures do not agree or will not accept men crying or men showing emotions. We can readily accept women showing emotive language because to some, women are weak, lower than men and are born expressive beings. I cry very easily. I know that if my Jamaican brothers and sisters caught me crying it is highly likely they would consider me mama's boy. Contrary to the Jamaican culture I think even though I show my emotions I am actually a very strong man. Crying is something I got from my dear mother and grandmother. I cry when I sad or hurt. I am gentle and compassionate. I know that there is no benefit to store up all my emotions inside and never have the boldness to express it. I believe that societies that degrade men who cry and show emotions stifle their emotional and psychological development.
The media also plays a big role in spreading the view that men should not show their emotions. Just this morning on my favourite radio show JJ and Melanie in the Morning on Flow 93.5FM in Toronto this view was being publicized.
When I speak of emotional meltdowns I am not talk about excessive crying. During my emotional meltdown what I experience is raw unadulterated rage and anger and excessive swearing using Jamaican expletives. On my first vist with my counsellor I asked her why was it at this stage in my life I was growing impatient and increasing intollerant and easily angered? This my dark side and if I am going to grow I have to speak about it. My purpose is to acknowledge the problem, address it, apologies if necessary and advance and grow as an individual.
The following are some my examples:
In fall of 2008, my wife were in the middle of heated argument relating to my ailing mother when the telephone rang. At the time my wife was three months pregnant with our little princess. My wife answered the phone and started speaking with her mother calling from Jamaica. Without even thinking I pounced like a raging bull and grabbed the portable reciever from my wife's hand. From a distance of about feet while still very angry I tossed the phone back to my wife. I believe my wife was frightened and she called 911 and in no time two Peel Region police cars were parked in my front yard with flashing lights. My wife invited the two officers in and the officers asked me to leave the house. For the first time in my life I had an encounter with law enforcement. I spent the rest of the night at wife's aunt house in Oakville.
In the spring of 2009 I recalled me being so angry one day I punched and kicked the doors and walls in my basement breaking the doors and damaging the dry wall.
One night in the winter of 2009 I got so angry I took up one foot of my worn out Payless sneakers advancing towards my wife while swearing. My 16 year old daughter and my mother in law were so frigthened they started crying instantly. When I checked myself I was trembling and a total wreck!
A few nights ago I got in such a fit worst than a two year old shorting temper tandrum. I was on my back kicking, screaming and swearing. When I regain consciousness I told myself I would either get professional help or walk out on my wife and children. Out of my love, respect and honour for my wife and children on Monday I commenced professional counseling.
Today I shared my dark side with you. The monumental challenge I face today break the ordinary man but I strife to be extraordinary. Just as Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette can overcome the death of my mother and win a broze medal at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics so too will I rise up again.
Tomorrow I will tell how I made over $500K and still penniless.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Grief
Today my goal is to blog about my grief. Grief I understand is a healthy human response to situations such as:
- death of a family member or friend
- separation or divorce
- miscarriage
- injury or disability
- loss of a job, property, a pet
- children leaving home
- moving to a new place
- disappointment in a child
- giving up a dream
Looking back as far as the end of summer 2007 I can clearly identify the following situations as my tipping points:
- seeing the frail and deteriorating state of my ailing mother during her visit to Canada in 2007
- my mother's death in 2009
- the severe impact on consulting practice and financial losses incurred due to the global recession
- garnishing of my personal and business account by Canada Revenue Agency in the fall of 2009
- sale of my house and maving to a new place,
- possible giving up my career goals and dreams.
The greatest pain I feel is from the death of my mother on February 18, 2009. On Sunday March 7, 2010 it will one year since her Service of Resurrection. One day I will blog about the relationship I shared with my and my love for her. Since her passing I have gone through many stages.
Numbness. Shock, disbelief. Searching and yearning asking myself why did God take her away soon. Why am I am facing today such monumental challenges in my life without my dear mother? I feel irritable, tense, tearful. I plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.' So much so that today I am member of Harvest Family Church Volunteer at Leisureworld Caregiving Centre – Mississauga.
At times I am disorganized and experience a sense of despair and loneliness. Dejection sets in. There is the mixed emotions of anger and guilt. The future is uninteresting. My purpose in life is no longer useful or relevant. At other times I feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. Sometimes I worry that I am are losing touch with reality.
In the past year I have told my friends Greg M., Warren A. and Owen H. and my Aunt Ger that I feel a part of me died with my mother. Their advice to me is that my dear mother would have wanted me to continue living and pursuing my dreams. I sincerely believe them and as result I have decided to get professional counseling. The reality I face is that my situation is compounded by other major losses which I shall blog about in the coming days.
It is the exhausting process of grief that has robbed me of my physical and emotional energy, and which today threatens to undermine my marriage and family. However, I am determined and resolute not to be defeated. When I commenced my first counseling session on Monday it was my first step in acknowledging that I have a major problem and I am in serious trouble. It was my cry for help and saying I want me back and I am determined start the journey to taking back me. A key priority for me is to reorganize myself and re-establish my purpose and goals. I am using this blog as tool to inspire myself. My goal is write a blog each day. Each and everyone us needs a cheerleader. When you are up I am the one to cheer for you. When you are down, I am there to encourage you to pick yourself up. Today I need you on my team and I have appointed you as my cheerleaders. Tomorrow I will tell you in my blog about some of my major meltdowns similar to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc.
- death of a family member or friend
- separation or divorce
- miscarriage
- injury or disability
- loss of a job, property, a pet
- children leaving home
- moving to a new place
- disappointment in a child
- giving up a dream
Looking back as far as the end of summer 2007 I can clearly identify the following situations as my tipping points:
- seeing the frail and deteriorating state of my ailing mother during her visit to Canada in 2007
- my mother's death in 2009
- the severe impact on consulting practice and financial losses incurred due to the global recession
- garnishing of my personal and business account by Canada Revenue Agency in the fall of 2009
- sale of my house and maving to a new place,
- possible giving up my career goals and dreams.
The greatest pain I feel is from the death of my mother on February 18, 2009. On Sunday March 7, 2010 it will one year since her Service of Resurrection. One day I will blog about the relationship I shared with my and my love for her. Since her passing I have gone through many stages.
Numbness. Shock, disbelief. Searching and yearning asking myself why did God take her away soon. Why am I am facing today such monumental challenges in my life without my dear mother? I feel irritable, tense, tearful. I plead and bargain with God. 'If you bring her back to me, I will devote my life to helping other people.' So much so that today I am member of Harvest Family Church Volunteer at Leisureworld Caregiving Centre – Mississauga.
At times I am disorganized and experience a sense of despair and loneliness. Dejection sets in. There is the mixed emotions of anger and guilt. The future is uninteresting. My purpose in life is no longer useful or relevant. At other times I feel sudden, overwhelming shots of grief. Sometimes I worry that I am are losing touch with reality.
In the past year I have told my friends Greg M., Warren A. and Owen H. and my Aunt Ger that I feel a part of me died with my mother. Their advice to me is that my dear mother would have wanted me to continue living and pursuing my dreams. I sincerely believe them and as result I have decided to get professional counseling. The reality I face is that my situation is compounded by other major losses which I shall blog about in the coming days.
It is the exhausting process of grief that has robbed me of my physical and emotional energy, and which today threatens to undermine my marriage and family. However, I am determined and resolute not to be defeated. When I commenced my first counseling session on Monday it was my first step in acknowledging that I have a major problem and I am in serious trouble. It was my cry for help and saying I want me back and I am determined start the journey to taking back me. A key priority for me is to reorganize myself and re-establish my purpose and goals. I am using this blog as tool to inspire myself. My goal is write a blog each day. Each and everyone us needs a cheerleader. When you are up I am the one to cheer for you. When you are down, I am there to encourage you to pick yourself up. Today I need you on my team and I have appointed you as my cheerleaders. Tomorrow I will tell you in my blog about some of my major meltdowns similar to Britany Spears, Kayne West, Serena Williams, Charlie Sheen, etc.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
My First Counseling Session
On Monday March 1 I had my first counseling session with my psychologist. The main purpose for I seeked professional counseling is that I am currently facing a monumental challenge in my life and as such I need to obtain accurate feedback about my abilities, strengths and weaknesses. In May 2009 when I wrote my first blog "Look Beyond Where You Can See" my goal was to create a permanent record and documentation of my life and share experience as means of inspiring and motivating people around me to follow their dreams. On Monday my counsellor said some things me that caused me to rekindle the thoughts of blogging.
Most people operate in a comfort zone that limits their possibilities, their thinking and their achievements. To date I have had a extremely interesting and fulfilling because I some risks. Most people settle for being ordinary but my destine and goal in life has being to be extraordinary. However I will let you know that the crisis I am facing today has shattered the lives of both lesser and greater men than I. So I am at an extremely vulnerable point in my life and how I handle my current situation from here on will determine how well I fair in the end. The mantle of man's greatest is proven by his ability to overcome challenges and my resolve today is to demonstrate the fortitude to prevail. If you know me well enough my stance should not surprise you. I am best described by Douglas Mcgregor Theory Y which implying I am ambitious and self-motivated and exercise self-control. Work for me is as natural as play. You will also know that based on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that my self-actualization were activated and as such I am propelled by need to be and do that which was "born to do." As a self-actualizing individual it means I am self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.
As you might know seeking professional counseling is not something that is well entrenched in the Jamaican culture least of all Jamaican males. However ,the fact that I am in counseling should tell you that I acknowledge that on my own I can't navigate the crisis I am facing and most importantly I have broken ranks with the average Jamaican male.
For my friends and family it is important that I document this experience so that other can learn from my experience and be inspired. On a much more personal note as I am not sure how well my children understand my current predicament it is imperative that I create some kind of documentation for them to review when they are older. Like my counsellor you are my ears where ever in cycber land you are. Blogging is open space so you will be free to comment on my psotings. However I make one request if you are compelled to be rude or disrespectful please keep your comments to yourself.
On Monday my counsellor said three things that cause me rekindle the thoughts of blogging. One, she was sympathic towards me and told me that she would not like to be in my situation. This does not surprised me as my situation is extremely complex. My initial session was scheduled for 45 minutes but it lasted for 2 hours and at the end she said I inspired her and she wish she was a little bit like me willing to take risk and think outside the box. If you know me well enough you will know that I will always find something to inspire you and make you feel good about yourself. The third thing she said me she would love to see me teach and influence young minds especially young black males. Again if you know me well enough the sharing of knowledge is a hallmark of my success.
Tomorrow I will share a little bit more with you on the situations that has caused me grief.
Most people operate in a comfort zone that limits their possibilities, their thinking and their achievements. To date I have had a extremely interesting and fulfilling because I some risks. Most people settle for being ordinary but my destine and goal in life has being to be extraordinary. However I will let you know that the crisis I am facing today has shattered the lives of both lesser and greater men than I. So I am at an extremely vulnerable point in my life and how I handle my current situation from here on will determine how well I fair in the end. The mantle of man's greatest is proven by his ability to overcome challenges and my resolve today is to demonstrate the fortitude to prevail. If you know me well enough my stance should not surprise you. I am best described by Douglas Mcgregor Theory Y which implying I am ambitious and self-motivated and exercise self-control. Work for me is as natural as play. You will also know that based on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that my self-actualization were activated and as such I am propelled by need to be and do that which was "born to do." As a self-actualizing individual it means I am self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.
As you might know seeking professional counseling is not something that is well entrenched in the Jamaican culture least of all Jamaican males. However ,the fact that I am in counseling should tell you that I acknowledge that on my own I can't navigate the crisis I am facing and most importantly I have broken ranks with the average Jamaican male.
For my friends and family it is important that I document this experience so that other can learn from my experience and be inspired. On a much more personal note as I am not sure how well my children understand my current predicament it is imperative that I create some kind of documentation for them to review when they are older. Like my counsellor you are my ears where ever in cycber land you are. Blogging is open space so you will be free to comment on my psotings. However I make one request if you are compelled to be rude or disrespectful please keep your comments to yourself.
On Monday my counsellor said three things that cause me rekindle the thoughts of blogging. One, she was sympathic towards me and told me that she would not like to be in my situation. This does not surprised me as my situation is extremely complex. My initial session was scheduled for 45 minutes but it lasted for 2 hours and at the end she said I inspired her and she wish she was a little bit like me willing to take risk and think outside the box. If you know me well enough you will know that I will always find something to inspire you and make you feel good about yourself. The third thing she said me she would love to see me teach and influence young minds especially young black males. Again if you know me well enough the sharing of knowledge is a hallmark of my success.
Tomorrow I will share a little bit more with you on the situations that has caused me grief.
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